5 minute free write

Ok, I have fallen off of the blog wagon. Never really have anything to say or the will do put it down. So, I am going to try 5 minutes of free writing and just let it go.

Life is still full of ups and downs. The ups: Bailey bringing home a perfect report card. ( Something I never did) Bellas soccer team is still undefeated. Those girls are fun and are starting to get it. ( I hope)

The downs: I still haven't found a job, one of the kids is stealing from the rest of the family, I have a child abusing the internet, kids still taking off and not telling me where they are, my dad is having an even harder time walking and talking, I get frustrated with our ward on a local level, My good intentions never make it past my brain and get put into action, my desire to get in shape and lose weight is constantly getting off track. I never seem to be able to stay motivated.

I strongly believe that the first thing that needs to happen is for me to find employment. Once that happens, then I can get secure on my feet and possibly look to allow someone into my life. My family struggles without the influence of a mother. I can only do so much, and it is very evident that what I am doing is not enough.

My five minutes is up.. so I will leave it here for now.

I give up

I am starting to think that none of this is worth it. Life is what it is.

Class is in session

 

 

This ended up being a good, but not perfect week. I would be lying if I said it was without struggles and that life is perfect. I have so far to go, this is going to be a long process. I can say that I have started to feel a difference as I have prayed and read from the scriptures daily. That has helped to give me something to draw towards and to look forward to. I still worry about my children, and my responsibilities to them. What more can I do? How do I help them develop a closer relationship with their Savior? I know I am failing them in many ways, but I cannot give up.

I was talking to a friend yesterday that was feeling the weight of parenthood and felt her children were paying the price for her mistakes she made previously. I told her that this life is a classroom; we cannot sluff class, we have to do our own homework, no one can do it for us. I really do believe that. We have been taught and given the perfect example, and then we have to show that we have learned and are learning how to follow the path that has been laid out for us.

I hope that as I continue to strive to strengthen my relationship with Christ that I will be able to be a better parent.

Another Day

Today was another rough day. It started off well. I worked out and helped my sister move; my morning prayer was as afterthought as I was rushing out the door. I also didn't get any scripture reading in this morning. The children are home from school this week on spring break, and the weather has been rainy and snowy so the kids are getting cabin fever. Bailey started in with his usual sassy mouth disrespectfulness and once again I lost it.

When he gets like that, it is so hard to get him to calm down and be reasonable. Unfortunately, I didn't act like the adult who should be in control of the situation.

This evening was not bad and I was able to get some scripture reading done.

I want to do the right thing and be a righteous leader in my home. I have so much responsibility to raise my children to know what is right and to know the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I cannot do it n my own. I have to be both mom and dad. I need to be able to rely more on my Heavenly Father to help me and give me the strength I need.

Easter Morn

Friday night I had a surprisingly wonderful evening. I went to a get together of other single LDS people. We had so much fun just enjoying each other's company. Toward the end of the evening there was a nice spiritual discussion. It was nice being able to draw from the strength of others and from their experiences.

Saturday was General Conference for the LDS church. As always, it was a wonderful day. I really enjoyed listening to the speakers. Elder Bednar spoke about having more discussions in our homes about the Book of Mormon with our children. I hope that as I am striving to live a more Christ centered life I will be able to touch my children and have them feel of our Saviors love for us.

This morning is a beautiful Easter morning. I awoke to a snow covered yard. I am so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I don't think I can even fathom how much he loves us. He submitted himself to his Father's will because he loved ME. He suffered in Gethsemane for ME. I think of how frustrated I get with my children when they act disrespectful towards me. I have heard myself say "I do so much for you, and this is how you treat me?" I liken that to the way Father in Heaven must feel. That thought brings home the love our Father has for us.

I know that my redeemer lives, and loves me too….

WOW

Wow

Yesterday was a real struggle. I started off the day by reading some Easter related scriptures and I watched Elder Holland's talk "None Were With Him". That was about the last good thing of the day until late in the evening. I got into a tiff with a cousin that really got into my head. When the kids came home from school I got into it with Scout. He doesn't have the best judgment when it comes to picking friends. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't let him hang out with one of his friends that I don't approve of. Unfortunately I really lost it.

It wasn't until later after I had talked to a few friends that I was able to clear my head a bit and think clearly. Before I went to bed I read some more from the Gospels in the Bible. I ended my day by praying for forgiveness and for strength to make tomorrow a better day.

Experiment on the Word

" But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than adesire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" Book of Mormon Alma 32:27

I am mortal. I make mistakes. I have lapses in judgement and do not always do the things that I know I should. I do know that when I am living a Christlike life, things go better in my life. I am going to experiment on the word. I am going to focus on doing all of the basics in order to bring peace and understanding to me and my family. I cannot expect to reap the blessings of the atonement and God's love when I am not doing what he asks of me.

I have faith that I will find joy and peace by doing what I know is right. I will be recording my thoughts on here.